i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize