Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
