a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
