If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Randomize
