I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
