We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
