I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
