I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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