He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
