Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
not ubering you a puppy
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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