Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
