Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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