Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
