Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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