the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize