from now on my penis is your penis
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
