Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
