i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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