She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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