I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize