i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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