Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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