got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I can feel your judgement through the phone
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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