Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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