Your tits are I can't wait for
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
