I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
