so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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