Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
high people should be assigned attendants
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
