the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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