Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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