I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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