Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
