DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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