he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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