You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
