3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
