Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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