hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
My dick has a subreddit
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Randomize
