if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
