I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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