im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
