my soul wont recognize me after tonight
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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