Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
