I'm really into asian looking animals
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
