He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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