Pappa wants mamma naked
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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