I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
