It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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