why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
