watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize