Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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