I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
