Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
