What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
