I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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