just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
