Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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