Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
