Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
