I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
