i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Actions speak louder than pants.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
