Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
