My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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